


Maybe We'll Always

by thoughtlessblogger



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, It's just a little fluff, M/M, POV Louis, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 05:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2416208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtlessblogger/pseuds/thoughtlessblogger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He's here.”<br/>Two words. That's all it takes. Two words. Two little words and his world is caving in. He's not prepared. He'll probably never be prepared considering it's been four years. Four fucking years and the thought of even seeing him is ripping him – more like his fucking heart – to shreds. </p><p>Or</p><p>Harry ruins everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe We'll Always

**Author's Note:**

> I want to apologize to Harry for always making him the cheater.  
> And I pulled a Tolkien. This could've ended much sooner than it does.  
> Italics are flashbacks.  
> Comments and Kudos are welcome.  
> If you want to find me on tumblr do it at thoughtlessblogger.

“He's here.”

Two words. That's all it takes. Two words. Two little words and his world is caving in. He's not prepared. He'll probably never be prepared considering it's been four years. Four fucking years and the thought of even seeing him is ripping him – more like his fucking heart – to shreds. 

And in those four years he's thought many times of how he'd handle this situation. Sometimes he'd walk away. Sometimes he'd go up to him and pretend like the past never happened. Sometimes he'd go up to him and they'd talk – agreeing to be friends again. Sometimes he'd go up to him and they'd argue. Say they hate each other and then storm off. Sometimes he'd go up to him and the past didn't matter. He'd still be irreparably in love with him and they'd talk and end up being together again. Or sometimes they'd skip past the talking and go straight to falling into each other completely. Sometimes that lead to his heart being shredded again.

But now – _now_ – he doesn't know what to do. His mind is going in a thousand different directions and he needs it to be in one. He's frozen on the spot and he needs to do something.

Collecting his thoughts, he takes a deep breath and turns to look at Niall who's watching him with a worried look.

“Of course he is, Niall,” he says, fighting off the tremble in his voice. “He wouldn't miss Zayn's wedding.”

Niall's eyebrows come together. “Zayn didn't want to invite him.” 

He says it almost like a question and Louis should know by now that Niall is smarter than they give him credit for. 

When Louis doesn't answer Niall continues. “It's just, Zayn is like, fiercely loyal. We all know that,” he explains. “When Liam asked him if he was going to invite him, Zayn was very adamant about not doing that. You were there, you know. And now, he's here with an invitation. What did you do?”

Louis takes a step back and raises a hand in defense. “What makes you think I did anything?” Lowering his hand, he doesn't give Niall a chance to answer. “They were extremely close. I told Zayn not to be an idiot and invite who he wanted. Told him he didn't have to worry about me.”

“He didn't want to,” he points out.

Louis sighs. “But he did.”

“What are you going to do?” Niall asks, glancing over his shoulder.

Truth is, he doesn't know. But he knows if he admits that Niall will go out of his way to 'help'. “Ignore it,” he replies.

Niall's right eyebrow cocks. “You're going to ignore it?” Louis nods. “Alright. I think you're a stupid son of a bitch, but whatever.”

**

_He'd been awake for a while, just staring down at Harry where his head is propped on Louis's chest. It was peaceful. And Harry eventually woke up, slowly blinking awake. When he saw Louis watching him he smiled and curled his body further around Louis's._

_“Do you ever wonder what life will be like in the future?” Harry mumbles, breaking the silence._

_“Doesn't everyone?” he asks, running a hand through Harry's curls making him sigh in contentment._

_“Yeah, but I meant like, for us.” Harry pushes himself up so he can look down at Louis, sheet pooling around his naked waist. “Like do you think about our future?”_

_He pushes himself up to lean on the headboard. “Yes.”_

_Harry nods. “Okay.”_

_It's weird. Harry is acting weird and Louis can't really figure out why he thinks that. It's just when Harry has something on his mind, he'll let it stay there for a few days and then he'll talk about it, but it's been weeks. Louis can tell there's something there. He's wanted to ask, but he knows Harry would just blow him off._

_And now Harry is talking, except he isn't. All he's given up is that he's been thinking about the future – their future – but it doesn't mean that much. That's something they both think about. They both talk about it._

_He motions for Harry to come to him. He does, slotting himself against Louis's side, head resting on his shoulder._

_“Why do you ask?”_

_Harry exhales loudly. “Just been thinking.”_

_“That's dangerous.”_

_He snorts. “Seriously.”_

_“Okay, seriously. Why have you been thinking?”_

_He watches Harry shrug – or at least he watches Harry try to shrug. “What's going on Harry?”_

_Harry doesn't immediately answer, opting for absentmindedly tracing patterns on Louis's bare chest. Harry's always beautiful, but he's even more so when he's like this – in deep thought, biting his bottom lip and eyebrows slightly furrowed. The soft morning light streaking in though the window illuminating his curls. He has a soft glow to him. Louis is simultaneously glad he's the only one that gets to see Harry this way and he also feels bad for the rest of the world because they can't._

_“Do you think it'll get better?”_

_It's barely audible in the quiet of the morning, but Louis hears it. He hears it and two years ago maybe he'd be pissed that Harry thought things weren't good enough, but he's not. He understands. He understood then, but he took his anger about the situation out on Harry. Now he understands wholeheartedly. He's still angry, but it's not Harry's fault._

_“Of course I do,” he says. “I don't know when and I don't know how, but it will.”_

_Harry positions his head so he's looking up at Louis, a smile playing at his lips. “For a minute I thought you were going to sing “Part of Your World”.”_

_He has to force himself to roll his eyes. “Please, Haz, if I was going to sing songs from_ The Little Mermaid _I would do it with much more gusto than that.”_

_Harry gives in to his smile. “I love you.”_

_“I'm not loving you so much right now.” He tries to sound annoyed, but he fails miserably at it._

_“We have a thing we need to go to,” Harry reminds him._

_“Your point?”_

_“We should probably get up.”_

_“Yeah, okay.” He leans his head down to press a kiss to Harry's forehead. “I love you, too, you know.” And then he unceremoniously pushes Harry off him and climbs out of bed, forgetting all about Harry's question._

**

He'd managed to get through the ceremony without any incidents. He had seen him, of course, but he'd stayed in the back. Louis only knows because he saw the back of his head when he walked in. He tried to ignore how pathetic he felt that he still recognized the back of his head, but he couldn't. It made him wonder what else he'd still recognize after four years.

“I didn't think he'd actually come to the reception.”

Louis turns to see Liam slipping into the seat next to him. “Why wouldn't he?”

“Well, more of a chance that he'd run into you,” Liam reasons. “Not much of a chance of that happening at the actual ceremony.”

“It was his fucking fault,” Niall says, causing Louis and Liam to look over at him. His comment didn't actually make much sense with what they were discussing, but it's Niall. He shrugs. “I'm just saying if he didn't want to run into you he shouldn't have come at all.”

Louis purses his lips. No body has a chance to say anything, though, because Zayn comes over wearing a goofy grin. He sits down and his grin disappears after a second.

“You know,” he starts, “I thought at my wedding people would be happy. You all look like your grans died.”

“That's funny,” Louis says. “I thought at your wedding you'd be hanging out with, you know, your new wife.”

Zayn narrows his eyes at a cackling Niall. “We also have a duty to talk to the guests.”

“We're guests?”

“Is this about Harry?” 

Louis's breath catches. It's the first time he's actually heard the name. They've all been dancing around it. “It is not about Harry,” he replies, defensively.

Zayn rolls his eyes. “You should talk to him.”

“Do what?” Liam asks, disbelief thick in his voice.

“Yeah, I second what Liam said.”

“Talk to him.”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

Zayn leans forward, propping his elbows on the table. “Because it's been four years. You're adults and this is my goddamn wedding.”

“Not good enough.”

“I've talked to him quite a bit over the past couple of months.”

Louis's head whips up. “I thought you just invited him.”

Zayn scoffs. “Did you think I'd invite him to my wedding after four years of not talking?”

“Well, yes.”

Zayn shakes his head. “I missed him, you know?”

“What are you saying?” Niall asks.

“I missed my friend. I miss us – all of us – being friends.”

“You think a nice chat is going to fix everything?” Louis spits.

“No.”

“What _are_ you saying?” Liam inquires.

“I'm saying I forgot how good of a friend Harry was and I'd like to have him back in my life. I don't want to have to worry about Lou having a panic attack every time I mention Harry.”

“I wouldn't have a panic attack,” he mutters, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“Also, I know what he did was wrong, but look at it from his standpoint. He lost the majority of his close friends. He's got to be lonely.” Zayn stands. “I'm just saying you should talk. That's all. I'm not asking for anything else.”

They watch Zayn walk toward Perrie who's having an animated conversation with one of Zayn's distant relatives. If it weren't his wedding, Louis'd beat the shit out of him right here right now.

“He waited until his wedding to bring this up for a reason.”

Louis turns to Liam. “You think?”

“Are you going to talk to him?” Niall asks. “Am I going to have entertainment while I eat cake?”

Louis glares at him. “I'm not going out of my way to talk to him.”

“But?”

“But if he wants to talk, fine. We'll talk, but nothing's going to change.”

**

_”Harry's been acting weird, hasn't he?”_

_Louis looks up from the notebook he's been distractedly staring at for twenty minutes to see Liam watching him intently._

_“I haven't noticed.”_

_“That's bullshit and you know it.” Liam drops his pencil. “You haven't written anything,” he points out. “You're distracted and don't pretend it's not about Harry.”_

_“I won't deny that, but I'm distracted by Harry in a completely different way, Liam.”_

_There was a time when Liam would've flushed and stuttered at Louis's comment. Now he rolls his eyes, picking up his pencil and aimlessly throws it at Louis. It misses and goes sailing across the room._

_“Do you want to talk?”_

_Louis fixes Liam with a pointed look. “Does it look like it?”_

_Liam holds his hands up defensively. “You two haven't been the same since he was last in L.A.”_

_“It was an argument. Nothing else.”_

_Louis's being defensive now. And it's like, he knows Harry's still upset over it, but it was just a stupid argument. Truthfully, he doesn't even remember what it was about._

_“You're being defensive.”_

_“Why don't you shut the fuck up?”_

_Liam shrugs. “Fine, but when you want to talk about it, I'm here.”_

_Louis doesn't say anything. He just turns back to the notebook and tries to focus. He needs to write and it'd be a hell of a lot easier if Liam wasn't still staring at him like he was going to explode._

_“Will you fucking stop.”_

_Liam blinks. “Stop what?”_

_“You know very well w-.”_

_He's cut off by the sound of the front door slamming shut and his phone simultaneously ringing. He glances at his phone to see it's Zayn calling, but he hits ignore. He's not in the mood to have a heart to heart with him._

_“Harry what the hell?”_

_Louis whips around in his seat to see Harry standing in the doorway. He's crying, which is the first thing that's alarming. The second thing that's alarming is a bit of dried blood under his nose._

_“Harry?”_

_He stands and starts to make his way toward Harry, but Harry takes a step back and holds his hands up, causing Louis to freeze._

_“Have you heard from Zayn?” he croaks out._

_“He called, but I didn't answer. Are you okay?” He takes a step closer. He's confused as hell._

_“Uh, actually, listen.” Louis turns to see Liam taking a look at his phone before pocketing it. “I'm going to go. Can I talk to you for a second, Louis?”_

_Louis blinks in confusion. “Do you not see Harry here?”_

_“It's fine, Lou.”_

_He turns back to Harry, who's crying has slowed. “You sure?”_

_Harry nods. “I'll be in there.” He jerks his head toward the other room. “See ya, Liam.”_

_Once Harry is safely out of the room, Louis turns back to Liam. He looks sad. And Louis is even more confused._

_“What the fuck is going on?”_

_Liam shakes his head. “I don't know. Just Zayn told me to tell you he's sorry and that when you want to talk he's there.”_

_“What the fuck does that mean?”_

_“Dunno. I'll go now.”_

_By now Liam knows his way in and out of their house, so Louis just nods and walks into the other room. Harry's sitting on the couch, arms propped on his knees and his head in his hands. Louis watches him a moment. His barely shaking, like he's trying not to cry and Louis thinks he might know what's about to happen._

_He silently walks across the room and sits on the coffee table across from Harry. Harry doesn't acknowledge him._

_“Harry.” It comes out as barely a whisper and Harry still doesn't acknowledge him. He shifts closer and takes Harry's face in his hands and slowly lifts Harry's face. He's crying still, maybe harder than before, and the dried blood is less noticeable. “Who hit you?”_

_Harry chokes back a sob before he answers. “Zayn.”_

_What the fuck?_

_“What? Why would Zayn hit you?” Harry doesn't answer. He just looks back down at the ground. “Harry what happened?”_

_“You shouldn't be mad at him,” he says between sniffles._

_“Of course I'm fucking mad at him. He hit you!”_

_Harry starts crying harder and Louis uses the pads of his thumbs to brush some tears away._

_“I did a bad thing,” Harry sobs. “You're going to hate me.”_

_Louis's brow furrows. He definitely knows where this is going now – he's known for a while – but he's still in denial._

_“I could never hate you,” he soothes._

_Harry shakes his head. “It was a very very bad thing.”_

_Louis's eyes are filled with tears now, but he refuses to cry until he knows for sure. “Harry I need you tell me what you did.”_

_“I don't think I can,” he whispers. “I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. I don't know what happened. And you're going to hate me.”_

_“Harry.” Only one of them gets to be an incoherent mess for this conversation and Harry is not that person. “What happened?”_

_Harry finally looks up and meets Louis's eyes. He looks sad and his eyes are filled with regret. And Louis knows._

_“I-I slept with someone else.”_

_Louis drops his hands from Harry's face like he's been burned – which he supposes he kind of has been. He knew. He's known this whole time, but he had denied it so many times because it just can't be this way. After everything they've been through this is not how it gets to end._

_“I'm sorry.”_

_“You're sorry?” he spits out. “You're sorry? Oh well that's fine. You're sorry. Everything is fixed.”_

_“Louis.”_

_“No Harry.” Louis stands abruptly and crosses the room. He turns back to Harry, who's watching him with wide eyes. “You don't- you can't possibly know how I feel right now.”_

_“I can guess.”_

_“You slept with someone?”_

_Harry nods. “A month ago.”_

_“A month ago!”_

_“It was only once,” he rushes out, standing. “I didn't mean for this to happen.”_

_“Of course you didn't,” Louis says, sourly. “How could you?”_

_Harry ducks his head. “I was drunk. It didn't mean anything.”_

_Louis snorts. Somehow he'd always thought that if they ever broke up it'd be a mutual decision. He never pictured anything like this._

_“Doesn't matter if it did or not.”_

_Harry doesn't say anything and Louis doesn't know what to say. His tears are threatening to fall against his will and he does not want to be weak. He can't be weak right now._

_“You're a bastard you know?” Harry's head whips back up._

_“I know.” He takes a step forward. “Do you hate me?”_

_His voice is timid and it takes a second for Louis to remember that Harry betrayed him._

_“I was wrong earlier when I said I couldn't.”_

_Harry's face falls even more. He_ almost _feels bad for saying that._

_“What are we going to do?”_

_Louis cocks in eyebrow. “I don't know what we're doing. I know that I can't be with you.”_

_Harry sobs and the flood gates that are Louis's eyes break open. It's stupid. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want to show Harry how much he's hurting. But he trusted this boy – man – with his heart and he destroyed it. After everything they've been through. They'd worked so hard to be where they are now and Harry threw it all away for one night with someone else._

_It hurts like hell and he's not really sure it's actually happening._

_Harry closes the distance between them and drops to his knees. Louis's taken aback and for a moment he thinks Harry's going to try to blow his way out of this, but that's stupid. Harry wouldn't do that. Of course he also thought Harry wouldn't fucking sleep with someone else, so._

_Louis doesn't move when Harry wraps his arms around his waist and hugs him tightly while they both cry. If they were watching this or it was a different situation he knows Harry would make some joke about this being very similar to Ross and Rachel's break up, except they weren't on a break and this isn't a sitcom – and no. He can't think that way._

_“You're a fucking idiot.”_

_He feels Harry nod. “Please don't leave,” he whines._

_“Oh I'm not leaving, Harry.”_

_Harry looks up at him with hopeful eyes and for a moment Louis almost feels bad for giving him false hope._

_“You are,” he says, forces Harry to let go of him and giving him a slight push. Harry falls to the ground and he stares up at Louis with sad eyes._

_“Please.”_

_Ignoring him, Louis walks to the door. Once there he stops. “I want you out within the hour. You can get the rest of your stuff later,” he says over his shoulder._

_He doesn't wait for Harry to answer._

**

It had to be a fucking toilet.

He'd managed to get through the last hour not seeing him, which meant he had to avoid Zayn because since their conversation at the table Zayn had made it a point to have Harry with him almost as much as Perrie. But of fucking course once he went to piss Harry would choose that moment to piss too.

He's still standing just inside the door and Harry still hasn't noticed him – still hasn't looked up from where he's washing his hands. As soon as he does he'll see Louis's reflection in the mirror. And jesus christ he's been washing his hands for an abnormal amount of time.

He's seriously debating turning and leaving when Harry chooses that moment to look up. His eyes widen slightly and he blanches, but he composes himself quickly. Turning off the water, he turns and stares.

He's changed a lot in four years Louis notices. There's still a childlike innocent look to him, but he looks older. His hair is longer than he'd ever had it when Louis knew him. It comes down slightly past his shoulder and it's not as curly as it used to be – more wavy than anything – and he's letting it flow free today. His eyes are dimmer than before. They don't shine like they used to. They aren't bright like Louis remembers. Sadder. He looks sadder, which Louis is trying very hard to not be happy about. 

“Louis,” Harry breathes out, finally breaking the silence. 

He holds up a hand. “Don't, Harry. Just because you're here doesn't mean we have to have some big life altering conversation like Zayn wants us to.”

Harry's brow furrows. “Zayn wants us to talk?”

Louis blinks. “Has he not mentioned it to you?”

And this is weird. The first conversation they've had in four years and it's about Zayn wanting them to have a conversation. He's suddenly hit with memories from their last conversation. Hopefully this one doesn't end with them yelling at each other and crying.

Harry shakes his head. “He hasn't mentioned it.”

Louis hums. “Well, he wants us to talk. I don't want to, so we aren't.”

“Isn't that what we're doing, though.” 

Harry's lips are quirking at the side. And no. Just no. It's not going to be this way.

“Fuck off.”

There's a lot more venom in his voice than he'd intended and it catches Harry of guard. His eyes widen and he takes a step back.

“Fine. I get it. You don't want to see me. That's okay. But I'm here for Zayn, so you'll have to put up with me for the rest of the night.”

There's something off about Harry's voice. It's not anger. Louis knows what he sounds like when he's angry. This is not it. He sounds hurt and broken. And Harry does not get to be hurt and broken.

“You realize everything was your fault, right?”

Harry blinks. “I never said it wasn't.” Louis snorts. “I never once said that I didn't fuck everything up.” His voice is barely below a yell and with each sentence he takes a step closer to him. “I took the blame for that because it was mine to have. But you didn't have to shut me out of your life for four fucking years!”

Louis stares in disbelief as Harry comes to stand directly in front of him. It almost sounds like Harry is implying that Louis shouldn't have left him. “What are you saying?” He can feel Harry's breathe on his face. “Are saying I shouldn't have left you?”

“I'm saying you should have let me explain.”

“Explain what? That you slept with someone else? I didn't need you to explain that.”

“I immediately regretted it.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “You shouldn't had to have regretted it. It shouldn't have happened at all.”

Harry takes another step closer and their practically touching. “I regretted it every day, Louis. Every single day since then.”

“It took you a month to tell me!” Louis shoves at Harry's shoulders causing him to stumble backwards. “I knew something had happened. The whole time. I knew you had done something. You're not any good at hiding things, Harry. I knew and it took you a month. A month and you told me that you slept with someone else! How the fuck was I supposed to react to that! That's not something I was going to be able to forgive!”

“I didn't ask you to!”

“Bullshit.” Harry may not have come right out and asked for forgiveness, but in asking Louis not to leave he was asking. “I still haven't forgave you.”

Harry's demeanor goes from anger to hurt in record time. “And I never stopped loving you.”

It's barely audible, but Louis hears it. Louis hears it and his breathe is knocked away. Harry's still in love with him. He can hardly believe it given the circumstances. And until a second ago Louis didn't know how he felt. He knows now. He narrows his eyes, brow furrowing.

“Harry, that doesn-.”

“Lads, I hate to interrupt.” Louis turns to see an apologetic looking Liam sticking his head through the door. “But people can hear you out here and we're about to have cake.”

“Fuck yes!” He hears Niall yell on the other side of the door.

Louis nods. Liam glances at Harry and then leaves. 

“You know,” he starts, not turning to look at Harry. “I've spent the last couple of years thinking about what I'd do if I saw you again. I realize now that I never could have known. Zayn wants us to talk. I think we should, but I don't think we're capable of doing that tonight without ruining things for Zayn and Perrie. We'll talk tomorrow.”

He doesn't let Harry answer. He doesn't look over his shoulder to see Harry. He just walks out of the bathroom and joins the rest of the reception.

**

_They're at a park and god knows why. He hates parks, except he doesn't. Not really. Lately he's just hated everything, but here he is. In a park. Sitting on a bench with Zayn. In October. In a park. He wants to fucking leave._

_When he says as much, he stands, but Zayn catches him by the wrist and pulls him back down._

_“You needed to get out.”_

_“I need for people to leave me alone,” he groans._

_“Nope.”_

_They fall into silence as Zayn smokes and Louis watches the park. He watches as a pigeon attacks some poor woman for seemingly no reason. There was a time when he'd find this funny and laugh hysterically while making jokes, but he doesn't now. He hates pigeons too._

_“How'd you know?” he asks, hoping to God that Zayn understands._

_Zayn takes one last puff of his cigarette before letting it fall to the ground for him to stomp out with his foot. When he's satisfied with it he angles his body toward Louis._

_“I heard him talking to Anne.”_

_“He told Anne?”_

_Zayn nods. “I overheard it. He was pretty upset. You know, crying and all. When he got off the phone I called him out on it.” Zayn's watching him with careful eyes, like he's afraid too much information will kill him. “He actually considered not telling you. He wanted me to keep it a secret. I told him you were smarter than that, that you deserved better. You already knew something was up.”_

_“Why'd you hit him?”_

_“Why wouldn't I?” He sighs. “I probably shouldn't have, but I did.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_They fall into silence again. The pigeon and the woman have both moved on and Louis is left watching a couple of kids playing with sticks._

_“You know,” Zayn starts, “This affects more than just you two.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I remember I once asked you what would happen to us if you and Harry broke up. Do you remember what you said?”_

_Louis ducks his head. “I told you not to worry because it would never happen.”_

_“Yes. And you added that if it did it would have been a mutual thing and you'd still be on good terms.”_

_“What's your fucking point? I was wrong.”_

_“I didn't believe you then,” he explains. “I wanted to, but I didn't. No two people meet that young and stay together forever.”_

_“What about you and Perrie?”_

_“We're different. Look at how long we've been engaged.” Zayn's silent for a while. Louis looks up. Zayn's staring off into the distance. “To be honest, though, that's not why I didn't believe you. I didn't believe you because of everything that you two had to go through. That kind of shit is tiring and hard on even the best relationships.”_

_“You're not making me feel better.”_

_Zayn shakes his head. “Not trying to. I just need you to understand that this affects me, Niall and Liam too. Not as much as it affects you, but we're losing a friend and our careers. So is Harry.”_

_“Fuck Harry.”_

_“Fact of the matter is, Louis, we said this would never happen and it did. What are we doing?”_

_Louis doesn't know. He hasn't spent much time thinking about this. It's been the last thing on his mind, which is maybe inconsiderate, but he lost the person he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with, so he's allowed to not think about important things._

_“I don't know.”_

_“Neither do we.”_

_That's horrifyingly comforting to Louis. They've never really known what they were doing and they were just fine before. It was only when Louis started knowing that things fell apart._

_Maybe it's better this way._

**

He had only seen Harry one more time that night. He had been standing next to Zayn when Harry had finally emerged, eyes red and puffy. He'd congratulated Zayn and Perrie and left. He hadn't even acknowledged Louis.

He had meant what he said – about needing to talk – and it's taken him a week to gather up enough courage to follow through.

There's a knock at the door and Niall and Liam freeze in the middle of an argument over the correct term for a couch. Louis stands and Liam looks up at him.

“You sure you want to do this?”

“Should've done this four years ago,” he replies.

He slowly walks over to the door, very aware of Liam and Niall's eyes boring into his back. When he opens the door, Harry freezes in mid knock. He blinks and lowers his hand.

Louis steps aside and gestures for him to come in. Harry does and Louis takes a deep breath before shutting the door. When he turns, Harry is standing still because Niall and Liam have both stood up with arms crossed over their chests and glares.

Louis tilts his head. “Could you two please leave.”

They both narrow their eyes at Harry before nodding and silently walking out of the flat. Louis walks past Harry and goes back to his spot on the couch. Harry's still standing in the same spot, staring at him.

“You can sit.” He gestures to the other side of the couch.

“I expected it to be messier,” Harry says as he comes to sit as far away from Louis as he possibly can. His muscles are tense and he looks almost as uncomfortable as he did four years ago.

Louis cocks an eyebrow. “I had to learn to clean after my hamster suffocated in a pile of dirty clothes.”

Harry cocks his head. “You had a hamster?”

“Well, no, but it would have died like that, believe me.”

Harry's lip twitches, but he doesn't let himself smile. “About the other day-.”

Louis cuts him off. “I talk first.” Harry quickly closes his mouth and nods. “I spent a very long time being angry with you, Harry.” He looks down to play with the hem of his shirt. “A very long time. And then I was depressed for a while. I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you.” He fights the urge to look up when he hears Harry's breath hitch. “For the past four years I've tried to move on, but I've never been able to. And I've always imagined what it would be like to see you again. There were times when I thought I'd be able to forgive you and we'd get back together. That wasn't very realistic.” He laughs at himself. “I realized last week that I couldn't move on because I was holding on to false hope.”

He looks up to see Harry staring intently at him. His eyes are a little wet and he looks more tense than he was earlier. 

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know. I didn't then, but I do now,” he admits.

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Harry swallows hard, running a hand through his hair – a clear sign that he's nervous. “It was the biggest mistake of my life and I've regretted it every single day. If I could take it back I would.”

Louis shakes his head. “I'm not asking you to.” 

Harry ignores him. “I'm not under the impression that we'll ever be together again, but I've hated not having you in my life.”

“I'm not sure that's possible.” 

As soon as it's out, he knows. He knows he's entering territory that he never thought he'd be in with Harry. It's fucking scary and hard, but it has to be done.

“There was always a part of me that had that false hope.” He forces himself to look Harry in the eye. He has to be one hundred percent truthful. “I never thought I'd stop being in love with you. But I realized last week that I'm not. I'm not in love with you anymore. Not like I used to be, anyway.”

“I don't understand,” Harry says, not breaking the eye contact.

“I'm not sure I really do either.” He takes a second to try to compose his thoughts. It doesn't work, but he has to go on. “Aside from that one thing, you're one of the most amazing people in the world, Harry. It would be so easy for me to fall in love with you again, but I can't. Not after what you did. I can't ever trust you again. Not like I should. There was a part of me that thought I'd never forgive you, but I did a long time ago I think. I'm not angry anymore. It happened. It's in the past and there's nothing we can do about it.”

Harry's eyes are red now. “What are you saying?”

Louis sighs. “It's been hell, that's what I'm saying. I needed to actually see you and allow myself to think before I could realize any of this.”

Harry bites his lip before asking, “Zayn said you told him it was okay to invite me.”

“Liam was the one that brought it up. I know Zayn's hated not seeing you.”

“And you?”

“I hate not having my best mate. That's what we were before anything else,” he explains. “I told you I'm not in love with you anymore, but I do miss you. I want you back in my life. As my friend.”

Harry's quiet and not meeting Louis's eyes. His body is slightly shaking and Louis thinks he might be crying.

“Harry?”

When Harry looks up it confirms Louis's suspicion that he was crying. There are tear tracks on his checks and his nose is red.

“See, that's where we have a problem, Louis.” He brings a hand up to wipe his face. “I can't be just friends with you. I could never be just that. From the moment I met you I was in love with you. I never stopped being in love with you. And I never will.”

He's not going to lie and say he wasn't surprised by this. He never really expected Harry to say that and maybe that makes him naive, but he's also irrationally angry.

“Then why the fuck did you sleep with someone else?” he growls.

Harry ducks his head. “I was drunk. You were mad at me. I don't even remember what for, but I was really fucking upset by that and I'd had a shit week. Everything was too much. You wouldn't talk to me. I needed to feel better. I ended up feeling worse. And the whole time I was thinking about you.”

“Doesn't make me feel better.”

Truth be told he always knew how Harry had felt that night. They'd gotten into a stupid argument earlier in the week over something stupid, but it had escalated. And it's not like Louis was ignoring Harry on purpose. He was just really super fucking busy and Harry fucked off to L.A. again. It was a bad situation that they both should have dealt with differently.

“Thing is,” Harry continues, “I didn't do it because I wasn't in love with you. I still am. And I know Zayn wants all of us to rekindle our friendship, but I don't think I can be _just_ friends with you.”

Harry looks up and Louis sees the open honesty in his eyes. Harry is still in love with him and it makes his chest ache.

“Harry, I'm sorry, but I-.”

“I know. You don't feel the same.”

“I never will.”

Harry looks dejected. “I can't be friends with you, then.”

“Yes you could,” Louis offers.

“No.” Harry shakes his head. “I can't.” 

They sit in silence for a minute. The only sound coming from the clock on the wall and Harry's occasional sniffle.

“What are we going to do then?”

Harry shrugs. “I've missed the others.”

“Nothing says you can't be friends with them still.”

He shrugs again. “Be hard when they want to include us both in something.”

And, yeah. Harry's right. Sharing the same friends guarantees they'd have to see each other. 

“Then maybe I won't show.”

Harry whips his head up to look at him. “What?”

Louis shrugs. “I've had them for four years.”

“What the fuck, Louis? They aren't pets.”

Louis startles them both when he laughs. “I don't mean it that way. I just meant that unless it's something huge, like a wedding, I'll stay away for a while. I'll stay away for however long it takes for you to decide you can be around me.”

It'll suck, sure. After he's finally realized he's not in love with Harry anymore and that he wants his friend back, he can't _actually_ have his friend back. But he knows that being around someone you're in love with but can't be with is hard. And maybe a year or two ago he'd say fuck it and force Harry to stay around him so he'd hurt like he had hurt Louis, but he's not that vindictive and he's not even mad anymore.

Harry shakes his head. “It's not that easy, Louis. I've been in love with you for almost ten years. Four years of that you weren't around. You staying away from me isn't going to make me feel less in love with you.”

“So, again I ask: what are we going to do?”

“I don't know. Maybe I'll try. I'll try hanging out with the others, but it's going to be hard.”

“Life is hard.”

Harry smiles, but it's sad. “I'm sorry, you know.”

“I do.”

“I always will be.”

“I know, but I forgave you a while ago. I just didn't realize it.”

“I should go.”

Louis nods and watches as Harry stands and walks to the door. When he gets there, though, he doesn't leave. He turns back around.

“For the record, I don't think I could ever stop loving you. Maybe I'll be able to move on, though. Love someone else, but I don't think I'll ever be able to love someone as much as I love you.”

Harry turns to leave and Louis jumps up. “Harry wait.”

He walks over to Harry. Doesn't stop until he's right in front of him and they're way too close. Harry looks confused and Louis is confused – only not really. He knows what he's about to do could go terribly wrong, but he's not really able to stop himself.

“Louis?”

He reaches up and cups Harry's face. He waits until he sees the realization flood Harry's eyes, but he doesn't give either of them a chance to stop it. He closes the gap between them. Harry gasps into his mouth, but kisses back, bringing his hand up to the back of Louis's neck and his other to the base of his spin. 

It achingly familiar to Louis, but he doesn't _feel_ anything. It's not heated and it's not really sweet either. It's just a kiss. It's closure – at least for Louis. Honestly, he doesn't know how Harry's taking this, but as they pull apart and Harry looks at him, he knows.

Harry leans forward, pressing their foreheads together. Louis looks into his eyes and all he sees is sadness. A sadness that is neither of their faults, while simultaneously both of their faults. He feels Harry's breathe on his face.

“Good-bye, Louis,” he says, before pressing a quick peck on his lips before pulling away and walking out the door.

**

_”Promise me that no matter what happens with us we don't let it ruin our friendship.”_

_Harry's just turned eighteen and Louis is amazed at how little everything has affected him. Sure he's been affected, they both have been, they all have been, but Harry's been affected in a different way._

_Louis sets his bowl of cereal on the counter and walks over to sit next to Harry. He sets his hand palm up on the table. Harry takes the hint and puts his hand in Louis's._

_“What do you mean, Harry?”_

_Harry squeezes his hand. “I just, whatever we do it affects the others and like, we're all friends.”_

_Harry goes silent and starts tracing patterns with his free hand on the table._

_“That was even more confusing than the original statement.”_

_He sighs, stopping his tracing. “If we happen to break up in the future we can't let it ruin the friendship we all have. We just can't.”_

_Harry's almost begging and Louis doesn't quite understand, but he does. “Harry, I promise that if at any point in the future we aren't together, we will eventually end up in each other's lives again.”_

_He's not sure he answered the question. Harry's chewing on his bottom lip and he's started tracing patterns again, but he hasn't looked away from Louis._

_“You promise?”_

_He nods. “Yes. I promise.”_

**

It's not surprising. He stopped being surprised by this kind of thing years ago. But Harry is here. Harry is here and all Louis can do is stare at him from across a crowded room.

Truthfully, he didn't think they'd see each other while they were here. He knew Harry would be in attendance because Niall had elected to fly with him from London to New York instead of with them. He thought there would be too many people for them to run in to each other, though.

It's weird. It's the first time they're seeing each other in almost two years. For the most part they'd done a good job of having the same friends and not seeing each other, but two years after they'd had their 'reconciliation', Louis had been woken up in the middle of the night to a drunk Harry. He was falling over himself and looked a minute away from passing out. Louis had brought him in and took him to the closest bed – which happened to be his. The whole time Harry kept muttering that he was still in love with Louis and how miserable he was.

When Harry had woken up the next morning he'd apologized profusely and then left. They hadn't seen or spoken to each other since then. Louis knows, of course, what Harry's been up to. Niall always just talks without really caring how it's affecting people. Liam and Zayn would only give up details when he asked. So Louis knows. Louis knows Harry moved to L.A. on a more permanent basis. He knows Harry was seen more than once stumbling out of bars in the early hours of the morning with someone new every time. He knows there have been rumors that Harry's let himself go and has taken up drinking as more of a lifestyle than a hobby. He knows Harry has written a lot of very depressing shit and only half of it has been used. He knows that Harry's finally living up to the image the world had set for him years ago. He knows Harry hasn't been happy. 

But he also knows that only half of what's been reported is truth. He knows Harry is healing. He knows Harry has been in a relationship for about a year now. He knows the world is still wrong. He knows that Harry is happier than he's been in a long time. 

“You going to talk to him?” Zayn asks, at the same time Harry looks over and they make eye contact.

Harry nods and smiles at him. It's not the smile of someone who is one hundred percent okay, but it's a smile of someone who is almost there. Louis smiles back. Harry nods again before turning back to the woman he was talking to before.

Louis turns to Zayn, Liam, and Niall and shakes his head. “No. No I don't think I will. It's cool, though.”

They exchange looks before all nodding. 

“Alright, well, I am,” Liam says.

“Have fun, Payno,” Louis says, while lowering himself into his seat.

“Do you think,” Zayn starts, sitting next to him, “that you two will ever be okay again?”

Louis's quiet for a moment. Nobody has ever asked that question before. “I think, yes, we will.” He looks at Zayn who has an eyebrow cocked. “We will one day. We're close.”

He turns back to watch Liam pulling Harry into a hug and he – for once – believes that completely.

**

“Louis.”

He knows that voice anywhere. It's deep, slow and it's still so familiar to him. He looks up and sure enough, there's Harry. His hair is shorter and greying a bit. He's got little wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. He's still dressing the same, with his black skinny jeans and shirt halfway buttoned up. He's attractive as ever.

“Harry.” Louis motions for him to take the empty seat across from him.

Harry smiles and takes the seat.

“I didn't know you were coming,” he says. “Niall didn't mention it.

“Likewise.” He takes a moment to revel in how comfortable he is. After all this time. After everything. There's finally no tension. “I thought you were in L.A.?”

Harry nods. “I moved back here.”

“Finally got tired of L.A. then?”

Harry shrugs. “I wanted to come home.”

He doesn't ask why he didn't come home sooner. “How've you been, Harry?”

Harry's silent, biting his lip like he does when he's trying to find the best way to answer. “I'm better now,” he says, with a smile that shows off his dimple. Louis has to resist the urge to poke it like he'd done so many times in the past. “You?”

“Oh come on, Curly. That's not the kind of answer I wanted.”

Harry's smile widens. “I could give you a detailed description of every single day of my life for the past five years if you want.”

“Spare me the boring details.”

It should be weird, but it's not. It's almost like the last thirteen years never happened. Almost.

“Then you don't want to hear any of it.”

“You mean to tell me the life of Harry Styles is boring?”

Harry nods. “That's exactly what I'm saying.”

Louis laughs lightly. “Well, while you've been living your boring life I've been living it up over here.” Harry cocks an eyebrow. “Okay, not really. I've almost died of boredom.”

“What? You don't have anyone to keep you on your toes?”

And that's almost crossing a line that he doesn't want crossed, but he does want it crossed. 

He smiles. “No.” The _not since you_ goes unsaid, but he thinks Harry gets it if the funny expression that crosses his face is any indication. “What about you?” he asks, timidly.

Harry smirks. “Are you asking me if I'm in a relationship?” 

Louis smirks back. “I believe you asked first.”

After a second, Harry stops smirking. “No.”

He doesn't ask the important question and he might kill Niall later.

“Too bad. Neither of us can gloat.”

Harry cackles and both their phones go off.

Louis looks at his to see a message from Niall that he's sent to both of them saying “Sorry, can't make it. Something came up.”

Louis sighs to himself. The Irish bastard set them up. His suspicions turn out to be true when he gets another message from Niall sent only to him.

“He's single.”

And then: “I did this for both of you. Please neither of you fuck this up again.”

Louis types out a quick “you're dead”, smirks at his phone and then pockets it. He looks up to see Harry staring at him, head cocked and face expressionless.

“Niall's an idiot,” Louis says to break the silence.

Harry's face falls. “Do you remember when you promised me that we'd never let what happened between us ruin are friendship with them and between us?” Louis nods. “We haven't kept up with that promise.”

He sighs. “I know.”

“It was my fault.” Harry's still looking at him and Louis can't make out what his expression means. And he wants to ask. He wants so badly to ask, but he can't bring himself to. And Harry answers it anyway. “I still love you,” he says, never looking away. “I told you I always would. But, like, I'm not in love with you I don't think.”

“What the hell does that mean?” He knows, he thinks, but he wants to hear Harry explain it.

“You were the first person I was ever in love with. My first serious relationship and yeah, I fucked it up, but I dunno. I think you never really stop loving the first person you thought you'd spend your whole like with.” Harry takes a deep breath. “That doesn't make sense, does it?”

Louis shakes his head. “No, but I understand.”

Harry smiles again. “Good. So we're on the same page.”

“Yes,” Louis agrees. He takes a look around the restaurant they're at. “Listen, Harry, since we're here and have been stood up, do you think ordering everything on the menu and charging Niall for it would be appropriate?”

Harry's smile widens. “Nothing would be more appropriate.”

It's never going to be perfect again – it never really was – but they're healing.


End file.
